What is the most important relationship that you will have with a person? Is it a parent? A spouse? A best friend? A child? I will argue that it is the one your have with yourself. I spent so much time hating who I was and trying to hide myself from other people. All I wanted to do was find that place where I belonged. I thought that if I could hook a man and form him into what I wanted then I would have somewhere to belong. A perfect space where the person I was could just be. Unfortunately for me, as an addict the person I was was pretty awful. As much as those around me didn't like me, it couldn't compare to how much I didn't like myself. Sure I had tried to change many times. I was often "improving" one part of me or another. The problem was that I didn't think I was worth anything, so I didn't think there was much point to it all. A worthless person who prioritized getting high over those trying to love her. Who would want to have a relationship with that? I certainly didn't.
Now if you think about what it takes to have your specific DNA created after all of the lines of all of your family members and all of the plagues and wars and migrations of people, it's amazing any of us are born at all. I believe now that we are not here at random and that we were each put here very specifically by a Higher Power, and for that reason each and every person has worth. I may not have been worth putting much time into back in the day, but I certainly was not worthless. I see that now and am working to change my inner identity. I know that I do belong and I have a home. It has been inside of me all along.
This article really caught my eye because I know I am not alone in trying to fit in and hide my true self. I hope it can speak to you the way it did to me!